


on some nights like this, I can't help but think of us

by robbosugden



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Denial, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slight Smut, Soft Ben, soft callum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 13:28:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 21,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19151968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robbosugden/pseuds/robbosugden
Summary: this is just a selection of prompts from tumblr





	1. jealousy, turning saints into the sea

It’s been a month since they slept together and every part of Callum has tried to stay away from Ben. He’s trying to live the life he needs. He’s proposed to Whitney, put his full attention on her. 

He’s liked seeing her so happy, happy because of him and what he’s been doing for her. He’s never cared about his own feelings though, not really, and that’s why he ignores the niggling in his belly every time she mentions weddings and rings and honeymoon ideas.

All of it scares him. All of it makes him hate himself that little bit more.

He knows he’s failing, he’s already broke once and he doesn’t know when he’ll break again, but he knows it’s inevitable.

He decides to try harder, keep Whitney smiling and forget all about Ben Mitchell.

*

They’re in the pub, a date night, a thank you to Whitney for putting up with his busy schedule and distance.

Callum feels relaxed, he hasn’t thought about anything else but the woman sat in front of him, he leans in to kiss her cheek, he ignores the fact it feels cold, but again, she’s smiling and that’s good enough for him.

Then laughter cuts through the pub, and Callum wants to leave now, tries not to look over at whoever has entered, but he doesn’t need to ‘cause he already knows. It annoys him that he knows.

Ben. With some other guy. A bit taller than him, broad shoulders and a beaming smile. They’re clearly drunk, he sways into Ben’s side to whisper in his ear and Ben looks up at him before winking and then calls Mick over to them to be served.

They sit in the spare booth by the door, Whitney’s back to them, but Callum is faced with everything, can’t look away. “You ok babe?”

It takes a second for Callum to snap back and focus on Whitney, a worried look on her face. “Course, another?” He points at her empty wine glass and gets up to go to the bar without waiting for her answer. He knows she’ll probably want to go back to the flat now, will want to cuddle up to him and tell him how amazing he is, but he doesn’t want to hear it, it’s all rubbish.

The guys hands are everywhere. They grip his thighs first, then his biceps, before running his finger over the cut on Ben’s eye. Another fight, or maybe even worse, Callum doesn’t want to think of it, knows Ben’s faced abuse after abuse by strangers and it twists inside him like he’s the one who’s been hurt.

He swallows, his mouth so dry it hurts. Ben suddenly catches him staring, it’s too late to look away. Ben’s eyes are unreadable, closed off, but it doesn’t stop the warmth spreading through Callum’s body. It’s the first time since they slept together that Callum’s let himself be near him and not turn the over way to avoid him, the first time he’s let himself look at him. 

Ben takes a drink from his bottle, a smirk on his face and he’s turning back to face the guy next to him. Leans in close and kisses the side of his mouth, then his lips. Once, twice, the guys hands on his face, pulling him closer, wanting more.

Callum knows the feeling.

The £10 note in his hand is crumpled, almost ripped, his hand around it in a tight fist. He tries to tear his eyes away, can feel his cheeks burning up and he doesn’t want to give Ben the satisfaction of knowing it’s bothering him.

He manages to look away to order his drinks, and when he looks back Ben’s on his feet and walking towards him. He holds his breath as he walks past him, Ben’s side brushing against his back as he enters the men’s toilets.

He looks back at Ben’s date, now busy on his phone and then he tells Whitney he’s just off to the toilet. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this, he doesn’t even know what he’s doing, but he’s in there and Ben’s washing his hands. 

Ben washes his face with the water, maybe to sober himself up a bit and then he’s smirking when he sees Callum. “I hope nobody saw you following me in here,” he dries his face and hands. “People will start talking.”

Callum rolls his eyes, “this ain’t funny.” He tries not to lose it, his insides bubbling. “Another quickie, is it?” He asks, his head nodding back into the direction of the pub.

Ben scoffs, “ya not jealous, are ya?”

“No,” Callum lies. “I don’t care what you get up to.”

“Good. Because it’s none of your business,” Ben’s words are harsh and finalised.

“Then why ya playing games with me!?” Callum’s voice breaks, he’s so tired of holding it all in.

Ben’s mouth turns downwards. “Don’t know what ya talking about mate. I’m just out with a hot guy, having a good time. Now, if you don’t mind, I don’t want to keep him waiting too long. I’m on a promise,” he winks at him.

It’s all funny to him, and it hurts. Hurts to still feel so lonely.

Ben’s nearly out the door before Callum can speak again. “Wh-what about me?”

It stops Ben in his tracks, makes him turn back. “You’ve made it clear ya not interested,” Ben shrugs. “You’ve avoided me every chance you’ve had. You’re engaged,” the last part is said slowly, almost sounds like Ben is too pained to say it.

“I-I’m sorry, ok?” Callum falls back into the wall, head in his hands.

He senses Ben moving closer before he feels his hands touch his. “Come here.”

Callum doesn’t even fight it, he feels so tired. He let’s himself lean in and be held by Ben. Their arms wrapped around each other tightly. 

Being this close brings everything back, every touch, every breath, every smell. Callum turns his head first, pauses for a second before kissing Ben’s cheek. He hears the sigh fall from Ben’s lips, so he does it again, and then moves back to rest his forward against Ben’s.

“I’m a mess,” he breathes over Ben’s face. “I-“ 

Ben quietens him with a kiss, a soft kiss at first, just like their first one, before Callum is hungry for more and he’s pushing Ben back into a cubical.

After, with Callum’s face buried into the crook of Ben’s neck, he feels himself smile properly and he doesn’t want to stop.


	2. hold me while you wait

This isn’t something they normally do. It’s not something they’ve ever thought about, that’s not what they’re about. 

Whatever it is they are.

Whitney’s been out all day on a girly day out with Tiffany. Callum giving her as much cash as she wanted, told her to treat herself because she deserved it.

The guilt overwhelms him, always does, but it doesn’t stop him from sending that text message

Ben

_ Flat is free _

Ben makes him wait, makes him sweat it out. He tries to busy himself, doesn’t want Ben thinking he’s just sat and waited for him all this time.

It’s only an hour, but the way Callum’s nerves have built up since sending the text feels like days. The doorbell sounds, and Callum swallows thickly, thinks about sending another text and telling Ben to forget it, but he’s up out of his seat now and standing in front of the door.

This time there’s a knock, almost making him jump. He counts to five before opening the door. Ben’s leaning against the wall, hands in his leather jacket and Callum can’t do much else other than stare for a while.

“You going to invite me in, or what?” Ben’s head turns in towards the flat, his eyebrows raised.

“Sorry,” Callum stumbles aside, clears his throat and wants to kick himself for being so  stupid.

“Well I wasn’t expecting this,” Ben wets his lips. “Nice surprise.”

“Is it?” Callum asks quietly. How can any of this be  nice?  The lying and the cheating, Callum hates it.

But when Ben is around and can see the buzz it gives him, Callum can’t help but feel some of it, too. Ben strides slowly towards him, finger running slowly along the coffee table before lifting his arm up to Callum’s neck. “Well, I would rather be here than explaining warranties to some middle old aged geezer.”

It makes Callum smile, and Ben looks like it’s all he lives for these days. His own eyes light up and then Callum can’t take it anymore, so he’s leaning in and kissing Ben like he needs it to survive.

And lately, being with Ben is the only thing that keeps him going.

After, Callum doesn’t rush out of bed to get dressed and he doesn’t tell Ben to do the same. He probably should, they’re now on borrowed time, but neither have the energy or the want to move, so they don’t.

Ben looks at him, almost nervously before huddling in closer and taking another kiss, driving a small out of Callum.

Ben watches him for a while, his thumb gently stroking over Callum’s cheek. “You’re hot,” he says as cool as he can, like this isn’t the softest they’ve even been with each other.

Like they aren’t falling deeper and deeper and there’s nothing neither of them can do to stop. 

Callum just blushes slightly, tells him to shut his mouth and then Ben’s laying down next to him. His head on his chest and Callum’s arm around his back.

Ben drapes his arm over Callum’s waist, hides his smile when Callum pulls him in that little bit tighter

Callum has to agree, this  _ is  _ nice and a whole lot more.


	3. 'cause you're the one I crave

Callum’s not slept properly since  _ that  _ night in the park. He’s not wanted to do anything with himself, can’t even face getting dressed for work or leaving the flat. 

He can still  feel Ben on him. Can smell him, remembers the way he tasted, how soft his hands cupped at his face, and then the way his fingers folded in his hair, pulling and needy.

He stands in the shower for ages, just let’s the hot water consume him, steams up the bathroom until he can’t even see his own face in the mirror.

Just how he wants it. He doesn’t want to face himself, face the man who broke down and give himself so easily.

He dries himself and wraps the towel around his waist, it’s the first time he’s noticed it and he panics slightly. The beginning of a bruise on his hip. He places his fingers over it gently, closes his eyes against the memory of it.

Ben down on his knees, with Callum’s shirt rolled up into his hands. Kissing, licking and biting against his hip bone, enjoying with the way Callum almost buckled under him, the way he pushed his head in closer, not even thinking of the consequences because the pleasure overwhelmed every bit of his being.

“Babe!” Whitney’s voice cuts through the memory like a dagger. He snaps his eyes open, his fingers now digging into the flesh there, hoping for pain but it offers nothing but wanting that mouth all over him again.

“I’ve got us fish and chips!” He can hear her putting stuff away, the woman who is nothing but loyal and good and he tries to shake himself out of his thoughts and gets dressed quickly.

*

Callum didn’t know much else before Ben. Accepted the way Whitney made him feel, she was gorgeous and he was lucky to call her his. 

That night, in bed, and with the lights off and whiskey in his veins he kisses along her jaw before reaching her lips, making her giggle and run her fingers up his back.

He kisses her more passionately than normal, needs to feel the fire in his belly like he did when Ben kissed him.

It doesn’t happen. His fears are becoming a reality, he keeps kissing her, but then he’s imagining the hands at his back being Ben’s, his nostrils flare and he suddenly smells Ben’s aftershave.

He screws his eyes tighter, grips into the cushion under Whitney’s head and hopes something sparks in him to let go of the other night and bring him to this moment in time.

It’s impossible, especially when Whitney’s hands come to his hips and he flinches slightly, but she doesn’t notice. Her hands stay there, gripping tightly.

He opens his eyes in the dark, he knows he’s wrong, but the person below him feels different, it feels a lot like the body he wants under him. Ben’s.

This time he closes the space between them with that thought, and his body reacts instinctively, a fire now beginning to build in his gut.


	4. is it easier to stay? is it easier to go?

Callum was doing well at shoving his head in the sand and ignoring what had happened Friday night. 

He was doing so well, that he’d gone and proposed to Whitney, bought her a diamond ring and hugged her tightly when she has said yes.

Friday was a moment of madness. Something Callum’s no ready to accept, doesn’t think he’ll ever get his head around it. They way it had made him feel, how different and alive it made him feel.

But he’s engaged now, engaged to a beautiful woman who adores him and he will try his best to give her all that she needs.

*

Callum doesn’t know how long he was expecting to avoid Ben for, but he was hoping it would be a lot longer than this.

He’s in the cafe, head down focused on his phone in one hand a sandwich in the other. Callum turns to leave, but Tina is coming towards him and telling him she won’t be long. He stays, turns to face her and hopes she hurries up.

It’s madness, can’t explain how he knows, but he does. He knows Ben’s clocked him now, this his eyes are burning a hole in the back of his head. The heat prickles up over his neck, and he rubs a hand there hoping for it to stop. 

He fumbles for change in his pocket, can’t seem to steady his hands. The air shifts, a figure by his side. “This is on me,” Callum moves away slightly, the closeness setting his heart rate high.

He looks at Ben quickly, shakes his head. “No thanks, I’ve got it.”

“What? I can’t buy you a drink now?” Ben’s chin lifts up, that smarmy smile that Callum wants to punch away spreads across his face.

“After everything we’ve been through,” he pouts a little bit, playful and spiteful. “I’m hurt,” he says more seriously, but the sarcasm sits on his face.

Callum rushes out of there, can’t stand it anymore and when he gets back to Whitney he hugs her until he settles down.

*

They have an engagement party in The Vic, all Whitney’s idea of course. Callum was against the idea, wanted to keep it on the low. 

But it was too late, and so he had to grin and bare it and accept every congratulations that came their way with a smile on his face that hurt.

He knew it would only be a matter of time, the exact reason he didn’t want any of this.

Ben walks in with Jay, watches him whilst he looks around at the balloons and signs up over the walls and bar. “Who’s the happy couple then?” He says loudly, loud enough for Whitney to hear.

“Us!” She beams, left hand up in his face so he can’t look anywhere else.

Callum sees the way his face drops, the way his mind is ticking over, the way Friday night is playing like a broken record in his mind, he knows it because it’s exactly what’s going on inside his own

Ben looks up at him, “congratulations.” He’s hated every other congratulation tonight, but that one makes his body turn cold, makes his heart ache.

He tries not to think about it too much, he sits mostly on his own for the rest of the night, he can’t wait to get away from here, from the thought that all of this was a massive mistake and he doesn’t know how to turn it around.

He sees Ben leaving on his own, ridiculously gets up to follow him. It’s a chilly night, but he calls after Ben. He doesn’t stop for him, so Callum jogs up towards him and pulls him round by his arm.

Ben looks down at his hand on his arm, looks at like its burning his skin so he yanks his arm away.

“Ya ain’t gonna tell Whitney, are you?” Callum asks, breathing heavily.

Ben shakes his head and laughs, a wicked sound to Callum’s ears. “Don’t worry, ya secrets safe with me.” He claps a hand over his chest, he frowns and his eyes look like they’re filling with tears. “Hope she knows how lucky she is.”

Ben walks away then, Callum sits down on the bench, keeps his eyes on the back of Ben’s figure, wants him to look back at him, but he doesn’t.

It makes him feel lonelier than ever before.


	5. i can speak to you by saying nothing at all

Callum’s never let being colourblind hold him back in life, he’s lived a practically normal life, just like everyone else. When he was younger he wished he could distinguish certain colours, especially when it came to colouring in and drawing, but that was only his real hang up. 

Ben was the same. It didn’t bother him having a deficiency, he had more things to worry about. The fact that he was gay, and his father hated him for it. The fact his father thought being gay was any more of a choice than not being able to see all the colours he wished he could properly.

It made him feel stupid, a failure to the Mitchell family. Then he grew up, turned 18 and began to live his life his way. Would hook up with guys, let himself be who he really was without the fear of his dad hitting him. He was tired, eighteen long, hard years had finally made him stand up tall and not apologise for whom he was.

*

Callum spots him first in the market. A swagger and an arrogance about they way he carried himself. He knew he was good looking, Callum wished he had half his confidence. 

He knows who he is, Ben Mitchell. He’s not been painted in the best light, not many saying a good word about him, but when Ben catches his eye Callum can’t believe any of it.

He smiles at him, eyes him up and down and Callum feels his cheeks burn up. Then something gives him a shock, almost makes him jump in pain and he sees it in Ben, too. Both of them frowning and touching the side of their necks in unison.

Callum feels strange, like he’s a new person but he can’t put his finger on it. He tears himself away and heads into the shop. He doesn’t know how this can be possible, but he’s near the chocolate, nine times out of ten he can’t make the colours out but this time almost all of them are hitting him in the face like the sun.

He picks a bar up, takes it to the counter. He barely knows Denise, but he asks her anyway. “Is that colour orange?” He points at the bar, ignores her confused look before she nods and says it is.

He breathes out a little laugh, can’t believe it. Doesn’t know how it’s possible after all these years. He tells her to keep the change, leaving the shop with a ridiculous spring in his step.

*

He sees Ben again then the next day and the same thing happens again, that spark they both feel. This time, a burst of colour appears in between them like a firework. It’s beautiful and breathtaking, it stuns them both and they look around to see if anybody else saw it, but everybody is just getting on with their life’s. 

They didn’t see it. Ben was the only other person to see it, and he’s grinning, a mystery behind his eyes that makes him look soft and everything opposite to what people have said about him.

He takes the courage to walk up to him, stretches out his hand. “Ben Mitchell.”

Callum does the same. “Callum Highway.”

Ben nips at his bottom lip with his teeth, steps in closer and smells the air between them before looking down at his t-shirt, stares intently before smiling proudly. “Blue suits ya, Callum.”

Callum looks down at the fabric, when he put it on this morning the shade of it looked brown but now he sees it, too. It’s blue and he doesn’t understand what’s happening.

He’s smiling too though, looks up at Ben with amazement.

“Ever heard of soulmates?” Ben questions slowly, Callum doesn’t understand why, soulmates are the kind of stuff you read about or watch in films, nothing in reality. Too much is happening at once and none of it is sinking in.He frowns and shakes his head.

 

Ben smiles, only half of his mouth raising up. “Ya will do soon.”

*

Callum’s in the pub. Since that moment in the market with Ben, he’s been to see a doctor. Explained how he’s beginning to make out colours he never could before, how he gets a weird sensation down in his spine when he comes across Ben and then he’s seeing more and more colours. 

The doctor is no help, he’s none the wiser, but he doesn’t complain. He’s enjoying every second of it, doesn’t want it to stop.

He hears Ben’s name a couple of times from the table behind him.

“ _I don’t know why he’s shown his face here again.”  
_

_“He should have stayed away.”_

_“People like him are dangerous.”_

Callum turns in his seat, anger building up inside him. “You lot not got nothing better to do?”

They all look up at him stunned. “Ya don’t even know him properly, and you’re all sat judging him like you’re all perfect.”

“No offence love, but you’ve not lived here two minutes. We know what that boy is like,” the woman with red hair says before smirking like she’s trumped him.

And yeah, Callum hasn’t lived here long, but something inside him makes him feel like there’s a connection between them, a bond that will connect them forever and so he doesn’t give up.

“Ya ain’t got the first idea about him,” Callum scoffs. “Ya all as bad as each other.”

He storms out of the pub and instantly crashes into something. Someone.

“Sorry,” he clings onto the arms helping him get to his feet properly.

It’s him, it just had to be him. Their eyes meet and it’s smaller this time, but it’s there. A flash of colour skins past them and makes Callum lick his lips.

His eyes wander down to Ben’s shirt and he laughs a little, his heart almost bursting out of his chest, with something he’s never felt before. “Red really suits you,” he breathes.

He looks back up, Ben’s eyes are searching his and then they fall down to his lips before they go back up again.

Callum looks around, there’s nobody there, it’s just them two like it always has been and he cups the back of Ben’s head cautiously. “I think I know what soulmates are now.”

Ben’s body falls into him gently, “told you that myself.” He tries to come off as cocky, but the softness behind it all gives anything but.

Ben knows it’s coming, let’s Callum make that final move and when he does it’s the best thing he’s ever felt.

They kiss like that for ages, not noticing the scenery around them bursting into colour.


	6. is it too late to tell you that everything means nothing if I can't have you?

Callum’s had a hard day. Harder than normal for him anyway. He’d told Ben to leave him alone, to stay away ‘cause he doesn’t want his ‘type’ anywhere near him and he hasn’t got time for his games. 

Ben had told him he was pathetic, spat words like a venomous snake, and the words had their desired affect; he was upset, almost broke down in front of him, but he didn’t.

Instead, he turned his phone off, didn’t want anyone bothering him. He just needed to be alone for his own sake. Then bought a bottle of vodka and headed to the park.

He sat at the bench everything flipped his world upside down. He began to feel agitated, the clothes on his back felt too heavy, suffocating.

He tried to steady his breathing, took a big gulp out of the bottle, scrunched his face up at the taste. His throat burned, but it didn’t stop him for going for more. He was on a mission, he was going to drink until he couldn’t even say his own name.

It was getting dark now, the park was empty and it was probably about to start raining, but Callum didn’t move. He would welcome it all, the darkness, the quiet and the possibility of the heavens opening and soaking him with rain drops.

He had slumped over the bench, closed his eyes briefly and let himself go back to the last time he was here.

He missed the warm mouth travelling down from his lips, the safe hands grabbing any bit of flesh they could. He missed Ben for god sake, he missed him so much and it was because of his own words and scared feelings that Ben had kept his distance.

He finished off the last of the clear liquid, letting the bottle drop to the floor. It wasn’t enough, he needed more. He could still remember everything, he didn’t want that, he had to cope with that on a daily basis, he just needed a _break_ from it all.

He stumbled to his feet, far too quickly, and he almost lost all his balance, but a grip on his arm from a strong hand saved him from that.

Ben was there, saving him and looking concerned. Callum’s sight was blurred, his head spinning, but the feel of Ben’s hand around his arm made him stand taller and widen his eyes, trying to focus properly and not look a compete mess.

“What ya doing out here on your own?” Ben asks, his hand not letting go of Callum.

“As-as if you care,” Callum slurred.

Ben just rolled his eyes, lifted Callum’s arm up over his shoulder. “I’m takin’ you home.”

It’s a struggle to get Callum home in one piece without his legs giving way a couple of times. All his weight on Ben’s side until they finally reach Callum’s flat and Callum can slump against the wall.

“Where’s ya keys?” Ben places his hand out to get them. Callum pats down his jacket and jeans before retrieving them.

He’s clearly drunk, he knows that, he shouldn’t be thinking about anything other than getting into his flat and in bed next to Whitney, but none of that is what he’s thinking about.

He keeps a hold of his keys, but places them in Ben’s palm, sucks in a breath at the feel of Ben’s finger tips on his wrist. “Thank you,” he pushes himself off the wall, their hands dropping to their side.

“It’s fine. Let’s get you inside,” Ben tries, breaking eye contact and trying to get the keys from Callum

“No,” Callum protests like a child. “You-you don’t get t-to decide what I do.”

Ben’s nostrils flare, his face like stone. “You’re drunk and I’ve got better things to be doing than looking after you, so just give me the keys or I’ll leave you out here all night. Your choice mate.”

Callum doesn’t want him to leave him. He’s being ridiculous right now, isn’t thinking clearly, but he just needs _something_ from  Ben that let’s him know he hasn’t totally given up on him. Needs to know that he doesn’t really think he’s pathetic.

“I didn’t mean what I said to you,” Callum looks down at Ben’s mouth. “I- I don’t want ya to leave me alone.”

Ben huffs, “I thought I was the one who played games.” He snatches the keys out of Callum’s hand, and puts them in the lock before turning the key. “You’re drunk and like I said I got better things to be doing.”

“No games,” Callum lifts a hand to Ben’s face. His thumb touching along his mouth. “I swear it.” Callum shakes his head, doesn’t even realise he’s crying. “I j-just want to feel something again. _Anything_.”

Ben looks up at him, smiles slightly after a moment before kissing Callum’s thumb still pressed on his lips. Callum inhales sharply, welcomes the sensation spread through his body.

“Tomorrow,” Ben promises. “That’s if ya’ll remember any of this.”

“I will,” Callum assures him, a sure smile spreading across his lips.

Ben kisses his hand once more before he’s taking him up to his flat. Callum doesn’t take his eyes off Ben, worships the way he smiles softly before leaving.

It’s been a hellish day and he knows he’ll wake up with a terrible hangover, but he can live with that cause he already knows tomorrow’s going be a better day.


	7. you're a sunflower, I think your love would be too much

It’s the middle of winter, the ground and roof tops are white with snow. It feels like Christmas, just without the excitement. 

Which is wrong ‘cause this is supposed to be the best day of his life. He’s dressed in his suit, a perfect fit, and any other time he’d enjoy wearing it, but he hates what it symbolises.

Doesn’t know how the day has arrived so quickly. It was a year ago that he proposed, thought that he could keep pushing and pushing the wedding further away, but Whitney didn’t want to wait. Didn’t see why they should, they were perfect in her eyes and she wanted Callum to be her husband.

There was only so many excuses he could make up before she started doubting him. Started questioning if he really wanted to be with her, and when she cried at the thought it made him cripple with guilt and so he had to go ahead with it.

It’s a small thing. Just the two of them and a few witnesses before they head back to The Vic for celebrations. Callum can’t think of anything worse, doesn’t want to be in a room full of people patting him on the back and being all happy for him when he isn’t happy in the slightest.

He had wrote his own vows, had wanted them to mean something, wanted Whitney to see how much he really did care about her. The words fell from his lips so easily, he’d grown used to lying and saying all the things she wanted to hear. Her smile was wide, love strong behind her eyes with every vow being spoken. He had done what he needed to.

Now, he just wanted to be away from this place. Thought Whitney would have been up for it, just the two of them, back at the flat with champagne and then looked online for affordable honeymoons.

She wasn’t having any of it, though. Claimed that just because they were married now it didn’t make them ‘old’ and ‘boring’.

So he sat in the corner, drinking pint after pint. Hoped he’d get so drunk that he’d have to be taken home to the safety of those four walls where nobody had to see him and be fooled by his pretence he’d built since moving to Walford.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead, he had to be dragged to his feet for his first dance. Everyone whistling, clapping and aww’ing like they’d never seen anything so cute. He hid half of his face into her hair, didn’t want to be watched like car crash tv. He swayed gently to the music, wishing for it to hurry up and end.

It did end, everyone clapping and cheering, but Callum only saw one thing; Ben was standing there, watching on and then he was gone again back out the doors. He escaped Whitney’s grasp as soon as he could before sneaking outside himself. He looked everywhere, almost shouted Ben’s name from the top of his lungs, but he wasn’t sure he could without breaking down.

His shoes crushed into the snow, he walked to Ben’s hoping he was there and alone. He knocked a few times, nothing. Something told him not to give up though, so he knocked again and this time he didn’t stop until the door swung open.

Ben just stared at him, a look of defeat behind his eyes, he drank from the whiskey bottle in his hand and moved out of the way for Callum to come in.

Ben had been keeping low, that’s what it felt like anyway. Callum hadn’t seen him in a while, the last time they’d seen each other Callum had told Ben that he was getting married and there was nothing he could do about it. Told him that they couldn’t see each other anymore.

Callum had regretted it soon after, Ben had stayed away and he didn’t know what to do with himself. They’d had an experience together over the past year, they’d grown to know and respect each other in more ways than one and Callum had gone and got cold feet and called quits on it all.

It was the worst thing he could have done.

Ben looks at him like he hates him, the softness once there for him now buried deep and the thought of Ben hating him makes him want to turn back time.

“I’ve not seen you around for a while,” Callum talks down at his feet.

“Bet you loved that,” Ben takes another drink. “All cosy and loved up with your _wife_. Me out of the way.”

“It’s not been like that at all,” Callum corrects quickly. “I’ve- I’ve messed up, ok?”

“Aw,” Ben sticks out his bottom lip. “You want me to feel sorry for ya? Fall down at your feet and tell you everything’s ok again?” Ben laughs, “not anymore,” he shakes his head. “You’ve made ya bed, you had best go lay in it.”

“ _Look_ where I am?” Callum cracks, his voice raising. “I’m _here_ , with _you_ , on my wedding day ‘cause I needed to see ya.” Callum becomes weak, holds onto the back of a chair like his life depends on it. “I needed to be with you. Please don’t give up on me.”

“What, like you gave up on me?” Ben slumps down into a chair. “I have to be second best all the time, ya think that’s all I’m worth?”

Callum shakes his head. “Course not,” he frowns. “You’re in here all the time, and I can’t get you out.” He points at his temple, his bottom lip wobbling and Ben weakens slightly. He wants to get up and smooth out the crease in his forward, kiss away the tears now on his cheek.

But he won’t do that, he _can’t_ do that anymore. “I opened up to ya,” Ben huffs. “I opened up to you and I told you I _loved_ ya for fuck sake,” Ben shoves the chair back from under him, finally seeing red and he wants to hit Callum for making him love him.

Callum remembers it like it was yesterday. They’d gone away for the day, making up a story to tell Whitney and she bought it just like every other tale. They drove for ages, and when it got dark they stopped at a field and laid down on the grass next to each other.

Stars were bright in the sky, there was nothing around, just the two of them in their own little bubble, the way Callum liked it. Ben had turned on his side, softly took Callum’s hand in his and said those three words. “I love you.”

It was quiet, so so quiet that Callum wasn’t sure if it was real or not, but then Ben squeezed his hand again before saying it loud and proud.

Callum was sure he saw a shooting star.

Callum braces himself to be pushed away, but Ben has always made him feel brave so he steps in closer. “I know, and I know I didn’t say it back, but you know how I feel.”

Callum’s never said much about his feelings, but Ben does well at bringing them out of him whether they’re good or bad.

Ben folds his arms across his chest, shielding himself and he just sucks his teeth, not believing a single word. “Go back to your wife, Callum.”

Callum doesn’t budge, instead he makes Ben look at him, takes his face in his hands before knocking him back with a kiss. Stumbling until Ben moves his arms and wraps them around Callum’s neck.

It’s like the first time every time they do this, it’s always crazy and breathless, they can’t get enough of each other. “Take me upstairs,” Callum breathes in between dominated kisses, grasping at every part of Ben until his clothes are off.

It feels exactly like the first time until Ben sees the wedding band in Callum’s discarded trousers on the floor, and he’s reminded that in fact, every single thing has changed.


	8. say you'll stay with me tonight 'cause there is so much wrong going on outside

The suns just gone down and Ben’s been on the floor for a while now, his ribs taking the brunt of an attack by some random lads who must have followed him back from town. 

It’s sad how after Paul, it’s something he’s expecting to happen, and when it doesn’t, he’s surprised. That’s how messed up this world is. How broken his life is, how fragile people like them have make him think.

He groans in pain, attempts to get to his feet again, but it’s no use. He’s struggling to breathe and the thought of been out here all night on his own makes him panic.

He’s close to shouting for help, there’s got to be someone around to help him. He hears footsteps from behind and thinks the worst for a moment, thinks they’ve come back to finish him off so he can’t talk. He wouldn’t, though. He never has, he’s accepted it every time from anyone whose raised a fist to him. He’s got his dad to thank for that.

A soft hand touches his back, the warmth of it almost takes away the pain for a second. He turns to look and Callum’s crouched down next to him, concern all over his face. “What’s happened?”

Ben rolls his eyes, wants to give a sarcastic answer back, but he really doesn’t have the energy right now. “Got beat up, ya know. The usual.”

Callum swallows, he knew this happened and he knew Ben had been through it, but he never thought he’d see it, never thought he’d have to see Ben in this state. “We need to get you to the hospital.”

Ben shakes his head, “what, and have them asking questions? No, I’m fine. Just get me up and I can walk home.”

“You can’t even get up and you’ve got blood all over your face,” Callum acknowledges quietly, the sight of it making him feel sick.

“Bet I still like good though, yeah?” Ben tries to joke, his lips rising a bit before the cut on his lip pains him and he groans in frustration. “Just get me up.”

Callum gets him slowly to his feet, his arm around his side as strong as it can be without inflicting any more pain. They take their time back to Ben’s place, they don’t say a word and both of them are glad of the silence. It’s not uncomfortable, it’s settled and Ben’s body keeps close the whole time, making Callum’s pulse quicken.

“Thanks,” Ben says genuinely. “I’ve got it from here.”

“No way. I’m not leaving ya,” Ben’s never heard him sound so sure in the time he’s known him. He wants to stay. He wants to look after him. Ben tries not to smile up at him.

The house is empty, which they’re both thankful for. They head upstairs and whilst Ben slowly undresses, Callum runs a hot bath for him. This time, Ben doesn’t hide his smile when he comes into the bathroom.

Callum comes up to him, his hand reaches up to touch his cheek before he’s leaning in and kissing the side of his mouth. It should feel out of the blue, but it feels normal and good.

Callum’s hands fall down to Ben’s ribs, his fingers running over the skin turning purple there and he shakes his head, his nostrils flaring. “I’m sorry,” he sighs. “This shouldn’t have happened.”

“Shit happens,” Ben shrugs. The casual way in which he says it makes Callum pull him in for an hug. He holds him for ages, his face in his neck and they just sink into each other, time stands still for them and Callum wishes it could always be like this.

Ben bathes with Callum by his side, kneeling over the bath. They share little kisses, soothing kisses that let Ben know that Callum isn’t going anywhere.

Ben doesn’t ask when he has to leave, especially when Callum lays down next to him in bed. Callum holds him close, his hand running up and down his arm gently. “Is this ok?”

Ben looks up at him, nods his head. “Perfect.”

Callum grins, snuggles in closer to him and they fall asleep like that. They both sleep peacefully and forget about everything outside these four walls.


	9. why can't we just play for keeps?

They could get used to this. Secret meetings and sweet rendezvous, time where they can forget about their responsibilities and everything that keeps them apart. 

They’re by the swings at first, Ben swinging back and forth like they’re children, best friends playing. Callum stands in front of him, makes Ben come to a stop in front of him, he doesn’t want to play around anymore.

Ben’s given him a confidence he’s never had before, not when it comes to this kind of stuff, anyway. Ben’s _freed_ him, let him explore every possibility there could be and Callum feels better for it.

He still won’t leave Whitney though. He can’t leave Whitney, he does love her. This is just... _different_ , this is the kind of thing you could get addicted to.

Ben looks up at him, his mouth turning into a smirk and his hand comes in between them, lays it across the bottom of his belly. They should be more careful, it’s broad day light and anyone could see.

But then Ben’s pulling the shirt from Callum’s belt, his fingers tender on his skin there and Callum keens into the touch, closes his eyes for a second before coming to his senses.

“Not here,” he steps away half heartedly. He goes into the small alleyway by the side, it’s darker here, a secret.

Ben’s there with him in seconds, his breathing heavy and Callum leans up against the wall, his hips pushed forwards and Ben doesn’t hide the way his eyes travel downwards and focus there.

Callum’s not sure if what he’s doing is attractive, he’s got a million thoughts rushing through his mind. One of them is screaming for him to stop, to not be so obvious and he should cool it a bit, but Ben’s eyes on him make him hot under the collar. They make him want to give himself openly and explore more.

Ben licks his lips then and Callum smiles slightly, but Ben doesn’t notice ‘cause his eyes remain focused on his crotch. Callum huffs out a breath, Ben hasn’t even done anything yet and he’s turned on, wants Ben’s hands on him. Ben isn’t moving though, it’s like he’s waiting for something first.

Callum pulls his shirt back up a bit, his hands tickling over his belly, he closes his eyes and imagines they’re Ben’s. He unbuckles his belt and unzips his trousers, his hand quickly touching at his erection.

Ben’s on him in a flash, kissing a moan from his lips. “When did ya get so exciting?” Ben asks in between kisses and swatting Callum’s hand away and putting his own there.

“Ya bring the worst out in me,” Callum pulls at Ben’s hair, fingers strong.

Ben laughs against his gaping mouth, knows it’s the truth. He works his hand up and down Callum’s shift, fast and then slow, learnt that’s just the way he likes it, makes him tremble in his very hands when it ends.

“Tomorrow?” Callum whispers hopeful, forehead sweaty and breath short.

Ben smirks, kisses Callum slowly before nodding his head. “Definitely. You owe me.”


	10. you're the medicine and the pain, the tattoo inside my brain

Callum doesn’t want to be here, he doesn’t _need_ to  be here. He’s wasting everyone’s time, he just needs to go home and sleep. 

It’s Friday night, A&E is full of drunk people, him being one of them, but he’s thankfully not like most of them, he sits patiently in the waiting area.

They’d gone out to E20, just a few of the lads and Callum had let his hair down, surprisingly enjoyed himself until they were leaving and he’d gone and tripped over the step, landing face first and hurting his wrist in the process.

He tried to laugh it off, Jay pulling him back up to his feet, but one of them wasn’t laughing. Ben.

Callum tried not to acknowledge the concerned look on Ben’s face. He’d been drinking too, but he seemed to have handled his drink a lot better than Callum had.

Callum rubbed at the pain in his wrist, cursed under his breath before trying to walk it off, Jay now ahead of them.

“Are ya alright?” Ben stops him, his hand coming up to touch his face. Callum winces, he’s obviously gone and given himself a cut on his cheek, there’s blood on Ben’s fingers and he rolls his eyes at his own stupidity.

“Yeah. I’ll go home and get cleaned up and sleep it off,” Callum tries.

“And ya think Whitney will be happy that I just left you like this, do you?” Ben shakes his head. “We are going to the hospital.”

“I don’t need to go to the hospital,” Callum huffs. The pain in his wrist is sobering him, the constant throbbing making him feel nauseous.

“Please,” Ben touches his arm, squeezing slightly. “For me.”

Callum’s never been really good at saying no, and that’s why they’re where they are now.

They stitch up Callum’s cheek and give him a sling for his sprained wrist, they tell him to take it easy and Ben answers for him, telling the nurse that he’s in safe hands and that he will.

Ben calls them a cab, it’s early hours in the morning now and the place has quietened down.

“You going to be alright?” Ben rests up against the wall behind them, his eyes on Callum’s arm. “Sure you still don’t need a doctor?” Ben’s tone has changed now, it’s full of lust and want and Callum blushes against it, he’s still so hyper aware when he’s like this.

“Could do with a kiss,” Callum admits, although it’s said hushed and his face is facing the floor.

Callum’s been waiting all night for any kind of contact, his body craving the touch. Ben lifts himself off the wall and cups the good side of Callum’s face and leans in to press a soft kiss against Callum’s cut cheek.

It almost feels ghost like, it’s ridiculously soft and cautious. Callum doesn’t need ‘soft’ or ‘cautious’, he wants _strong_ and _passionate_ , all the things that they’re good at.

 

 

Ben reads him like a book, smirks against Callum’s cheek when he feels Callum’s good hand on his hip and he pulls him in closer best he can.

Ben kisses him with both hands on his face, breathes in all Callum has to offer and he’s just happy that Callum isn’t seriously hurt, because the thought of having anything bad happening to him makes him want to wrap Callum up in cotton wool and keep him safe by his side forever.


	11. i got this feeling on a summer day. can we stay in this moment?

Callum’s not sure what this means for him and Ben, but when Ben told him he wanted him to meet Lexi his heart warmed uncontrollably. A smile forming and Ben mirrored him, raising his eyebrows before pulling playfully on Callum’s black tie. “Is that a yes then?” 

Callum bit the inside of his cheek, a sudden panic setting in. “I don’t want to confuse her,” Callum sighs. “What if says something to Lola about us. Or Whitney.”

Ben almost laughed, “she’s seven years old, Callum. She’s hardly gonna go down The Vic after on a girly night out, is she?”

Callum looks away, feels stupid, but kids can talk, they can say anything really, they don’t have no filter. “You know what I mean. It ain’t funny.”

Ben’s huffs, not seeing the need in any dramatics. “I’ll tell her that it’s our own little secret if you like,” Ben edges closer. “Just like my own little secret,” he whispers up closer to his lips.

Callum shakes his head, wants to kiss Ben but he won’t, he can be a little shit sometimes, too. He steps away from Ben, hands shoved in his trousers, loves the way Ben almost falls back into him because he can’t get enough.

“I’d love to meet Lexi,” Callum’s oddly been reassured by Ben’s teasing and he’s even more reassured by the genuine grin on Ben’s face as he leaves.

*

They go to Victoria Park, the weathers on their side and Callum’s stupidly in awe at the picnic Ben’s put together for them. They sit down on the grass, blanket under them and Callum can’t stop smiling. He tries to hide it, he’s never felt so... _right_. 

His insides aren’t turning, he isn’t overthinking anything, he isn’t a ticking time bomb.

He watches as Lexi bites into her triangles cut sandwiches, her blonde hair blowing gently in the wind. She offers one half out to Callum and he takes it from her and takes a bite. “Mmm.”

“Daddy made them,” she takes a drink from her cartoned juice. “He can’t even cook properly.”

“Excuse me!” Ben protests, “I make the best beans on toast and ya know it!” He tickles under her chin she giggles against it.

“Are you daddy’s new friend?” She asks, looking between them. “You look like you’d make a nice friend.”

Callum clears his throat, her innocence makes him want to hug her. “I don’t know about being daddy’s friend, but I am definitely your friend.”

She claps her hands together before they share a fist pump. She gets to her feet and grabs the football Ben brought with them. “Let’s play! I’m goalkeeper!”

She kicks the ball before running after it.

“Looks like she likes ya,” Ben smiles, eyes on his little girl. “Told you there was no need to worry.”

“Yeah,” Callum says softly. “You and Lola are doing a great job.” He looks over at Lexi. “She’s a great kid.”

Ben nods his thanks, gets to his feet and stretches out his hand to pull Callum up to his feet. “Let me win and I’ll get ya ice cream after.”

Callum laughs, “surely you’d want Lexi to win.” 

Ben rolls his eyes playfully. “This is me you’re talking to,” Ben pulls at his wrist until they’re playing kick about with Lexi in goal.

Ben wins.


	12. when you lift me up, i know that I'll never fall

They’ve been seeing each other for a matter of days now. Their affair coming out in a packed pub, Whitney screaming and lashing out, claiming it can’t have been true, that they were happy and they were going to be husband and wife. 

But Callum couldn’t deny it anymore, didn’t have it in him to hide it. It was a year worth of lying, cheating and hiding who and what he was. He’d told her how sorry he was, that he wanted it to work between them and that he never intended for any of this to happen, even told her that he did love her, but it just wasn’t in the way he should or that she needed.

She claimed it was all lies, that everything they had built was based on lies, and she was right. It didn’t stop the fact seeing her upset crushed his heart and made him feel like the worst person in the world.

Ben had been there through it all, Callum’s anchor. He kept him sane, stood by his side whilst everything else left him and crashed around him. Ben had attempted to apologise too, but all he had was a bitter laugh in his face and a slap. It stung, hurt. But Ben accepted it all, every single word that was directed at him, he took.

He knew he’d played a massive part in ruining Whitney’s life, and no matter what anyone thought of, he didn’t want her to lose everything.

They’ve stayed low since, cooped up in Ben’s room with Kathy been their only support, and even then she’d had a choice few words for the both of them.

Callum laid with his head on Ben’s chest, fingers soothing over an older attack of his teeth and mouth just above his nipple. “Is this going to work?” Callum asked, fearing the worst.

Ben was quiet for a while, probably thinking up some sarcastic reply, but it didn’t come. “Yeah, ‘course it is.”

Callum looked up at him then, his eyes watering slightly. “I’ve never done this before,” he swallowed. “I mean, with a guy.”

Ben’s eyebrows lifted. “It’s not gonna be much different to the past year, Callum. Only difference now is that you don’t have a fiancé and everyone knows about us.”

Callum licked his lips, “I don’t know if I’m ready for all that other stuff.” Callum sat up in the bed then, pulling the blanket up over his naked chest. “The holding hands in the street, kissing, everyone staring-“

“Whoa, slow down,” Ben sat himself up. “Bold of you to assume I would go round the market holding ya hand and kissing you,” Ben smirked a little. “Don’t flatter yourself, mate.”

Callum frowned, not seeing the funny side. “So, you don’t want people knowing we are together properly? Everything’s been for nothing then?”

Ben side eyed him, bewildered. “You honestly need to chill out,” Ben laughed. “I’d fuck you in that park again, this time in pure day light if it meant people knew you were mine.”

Callum’s eyes widened. “Shut up,” but he couldn’t help but smile at the idea himself. “I’m sorry,” he sighed after a while. “I’m just... new to all this. I don’t- I don’t want you to get bored and leave me.”

Ben shuffled closer, his fingers interlocking with Callum’s. “I won’t,” Ben looked up at him. “I’ve waited so long for this, I wouldn’t ever leave you.”

Callum hadn’t realised he’d been holding his breath, but the breath he let out was shaky and then he let himself believe that this would be ok, that _he_ would be ok.

Ben knelt up, sat on Callum’s lap and pressed his forehead to Callum’s. “We’ve got all the time in the world,” he swallowed. “We do this at your pace, no pressure.”

Callum looked up at him, eyes soft and mouth agape. “I prefer it when ya a sarcastic prick.”

Ben’s lips peaked into that smirk Callum grew to love before leaning in and kissing Callum, his tongue against his.

Callum still might have had a journey ahead of him, but he was sure it was going to be an eventful one with Ben by his side.


	13. i love the way you soften my life with your love

It was the height of summer, mad to think only last week the skies were grey and glum.

They’ve decided to make the most of it and travel to Bournemouth. It was Whitney’s idea, just the two of them at first, but obviously the wrong person was there at the right time.

Ben had gone and invited Lola, Lexi and Jay along without even as much as an invitation, but he didn’t need any of that. He knew all the details. Lexi beamed up at her father like it was the best idea he’d ever had.

Whitney had a face like thunder when they turned up at her flat the next day, a pout on her lips and Ben was sure she was close to throwing an unpacked flip flop at Ben’s head. “You’re so annoying, Ben.” Whitney complained, before they headed back downstairs and locking the flat door. “You’ve ruined all our plans,” she kissed Callum’s cheek. “I wanted it to be just us two.”

“Sorry. Ben said it was a free for all. We don’t have to come,” Jay shook his head at Ben, he should have known better.

“It’s alright,” Callum spoke up into the now awkward silence. “Babe, we can always do this another time, just the two of us” he promised Whitney, his hand squeezing her shoulder.

Callum knew Ben had his eyes on him, that trademark smirk playing on his lips like his football team had just won the league. Callum swallowed against the feeling of being watched before they made their way to the station.

*

The beach was packed, but it was to be expected, everyone knew they had to make the most of the weather when it was like this. 

Lola bought a sandcastle kit for her and Lexi to play about with, Whitney laid back on to the towel, sunglasses on lapping up the sun and Jay was at the ice cream van getting ice creams for them.

“I’ll go and give him an hand,” Callum said awkwardly, not sure if being alone with Ben like this was a good idea.

Ben placed a hand on his arm, Callum scowled and pulled his arm away. Callum knew Whitney couldn’t see anything, but the touch felt hotter than the sun.

Ben pulled sun cream out of his bag, his lips looked fuller than normal and Callum wanted to run for making this so bloody difficult. “I need a hand putting this on my back,” Ben said slowly, his eyes focused on Callum’s.

Before Callum could even protest, Ben was pulling the t-shirt off his back and turning so Callum could do just that. Callum hadn’t realised how much he’d missed seeing Ben’s physique, the way his muscles rippled with every movement. It looked as if he’d been working out a bit, his biceps looking bigger than usual, or maybe that was Callum just focusing too much on them, his mind playing tricks.

“Ben-“ Callum says thickly, his skin prickling.

“Ya don’t want me to burn, do ya?” Ben turns his head to look up at him. “I’ll even do yours after. If ya like.”

He was messing around, being playful like he always was, but Callum had had enough, he couldn’t deal with this. Especially when Whitney was only metres away and anyone could have been watching them, although he knew that was a slim chance.

“I’m off to help Jay,” he snapped at the back of Ben’s head.

Callum kept his distance for the rest of the day, wisely staying by Whitney’s side.

*

It was late now, the sun had gone down and there was a nice chill to the air. They’d decided to stay over for the night in a BnB, a bar just across the road ideal. 

Whitney had gone to the room first, the sun and the drink going straight to her head making her tired.

Callum hated to notice, but Ben hadn’t been himself all night. He’d been relatively quiet, and only really speaking when someone spoke to him first.

And that’s why he followed Ben shortly after he left, caught him heading back to the beach. Ben sat on the steps leading down to the sand, his focus on the waves crashing.

“Alright?” Callum asks, standing just in front of him. “You’ve been... off all night.”

Ben frowns, mouth turning downwards. “Surprised ya even noticed,” Ben looks up at him. “What with me being such a _problem_.”

“Nobody’s said that,” Callum replies quietly. “I’m sorry- sorry about earlier.”

“It’s fine,” Ben shoves his hands into his jacket, looks anywhere but at Callum now. “I get it now. I got it a long time ago really. Ya not interested, I’ve accepted it.”

Callum’s mouth drops open a little, unsure of what he’s meant to say other than, ‘ _you’re so wrong, I want ya more than anything.’_

The silence is deafening, Ben scoffs and gets up to leave, Callum feels every bit of him crumble.

“I wanted ya to come today,” Callum admits. “I’m sorry you think otherwise.”

Ben stops, shrugs his shoulders. “I ruined it though, didn’t I?” He comes to stand in front of Callum. “I pushed it too far and now- now you see me just like everybody else.”

Callum licks his lips, let’s his fingers hook into Ben’s jacket pocket. “You’ll always be a prick,” Callum confirms with a small smile. “But I see all of you. I get you. Remember?”

Ben nods his head, eyes down at at his feet. “Yep, you’ve got me pretty good.”

Callum gets the double meaning instantly, his heart beat racing like it only ever does around Ben. “Fancy getting your feet wet?” Callum nods towards the sea. He nips his bottom lip with his teeth, knows it drives Ben crazy. “Race ya.”

Ben doesn’t love much in this world, but the sound of Callum’s laugh when he splashes him with water is probably up there with one of his favourite sounds. They share a deep kiss; the sea water not a problem when Ben’s tongue enters his mouth.

They head back to the BnB hand in hand, and for a moment this feels like they’ve got forever, and not just a stolen moment.


	14. you were the one i loved, the one thing that i tried to hold on to

It’s hard for Ben to see Callum like this. Tears steaming down his face whilst downing a bottle of vodka, clearly only thinking about one thing. 

Getting so drunk he forgets about today, or maybe even better, he wakes up from this nightmare.

Ben had seen him leaving the church, his face red and eyes still watery from the tears he’d cried. He’d thought about leaving him alone, knew Callum wouldn’t want Ben hassling him at this time, but seeing Callum so broke made him feel protective. He wanted to try and make him feel better.

Ben followed him to the park, Callum’s fingers raking through his hair, making it look just as messier than his life was.

“Mind if I join ya?” Ben asked cautiously, before walking closer.

Callum looked startled, looked like he was ready to run. He rubbed his hand over his face quickly, didn’t want Ben to see him like this. “What, so ya can have a good laugh?”

“I know that’s not what you think,” Ben sighed, risking a punch to the face by sitting down next to him. “I saw you. Leaving the church.” Ben tilted his head, trying to get a better view of Callum’s face. “Who was it?”

Callum wrapped his arms around himself, he looked so small and fragile, the temptation to pull him in and hold him tight grew. “What’s it matter,” Callum sobbed. “He’s gone now.”

“Hey,” Ben soothed, shuffling closer and cupping Callum’s thigh with his hand. “Talk to me.”

Callum shook his head, he focused on the label on the vodka bottle before picking one corner of it. “I don’t know where to start.”

Ben lifted his hand off Callum’s thigh to place it over the hand fussing at the label. “What was his name?” Ben starts for him.

“Liam,” Callum swallowed, a faint smile on his lips and it makes Ben smile a little with him. “He was a cadet. Bit of a jack the lad,” Callum looked towards Ben. “We clicked though, ya know? He seemed to make things easier.”

Ben nodded, understanding. “And you two had a thing?”

Callum frowns then, shrugs his shoulders a little. He doesn’t seem to know the right answer, but Ben doesn’t push, just waits quietly.

“We never did anything,” Callum answers. “We were too scared in case we got caught, but we wanted to.” Callum licks his lips. “He told me he’d come and visit me, told me it would be worth the wait and I believed him.” Callum rolled his eyes. “I wanted it so badly that I forgot about everything else. I even forgot about Whitney.”

“Ya shouldn’t feel bad for wanting something that made ya happy,” Ben says strongly. “He made you happy, yeah?”

Callum takes a deep breath, he’s crying again and he just nods quietly.

“‘M sorry,” Ben swallows.

Callum trues to focus on Ben’s hand on his, the tears in his eyes making it difficult. Everything is blurry, he can’t see anything past this point but Ben feels strong and safe next to him.

Callum removes his hand from under Ben’s. Safe was how Liam had felt, he’d been there for him on his down days, he’d made him laugh when he didn’t think he could. He made war feel like home.

And he’d lost him. He had lost the one good thing he had, the one thing that let him be himself, he didn’t have to lie or fake it.

Callum looked up at Ben then. “I need to be with Whitney. I can’t let myself fall again,” he let himself touch Ben’s cheek. “I’m not strong enough to lose anybody else.”

Ben leaned into the touch. “Ya won’t lose me,” Ben promises.

Callum smiled weakly. “You don’t know that.”

Callum took one last kiss from Ben, slow and deliberate, one that made their insides ache. Callum closed his eyes as he got up and left. 

Ben let him go, lost for words for once. Callum might have just had to bury someone, but he wasn’t the only one grieving for someone they had lost.


	15. but i can't stay away from you. i don't wanna let you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not a prompt, simply just something I wanted to write after last nights ep (17/06/19)

Callum should be anywhere but here. Whitney’s out shopping for _their_ wedding day. Trying on numerous of dresses and feeling like a princess in all of them. Probably wondering which one Callum would prefer. 

Truth is, he hasn’t thought about anything other than seeing Ben this morning. The way the sweat on his forehead glistened due to the sun, the way his out breath sent a shiver down his spine as he passed.

Then that wink. Callum had wanted to punch him at first, tell him to stop and warn him off once more, and then something inside turned warmer. Something made him flush a little pink, almost made him smile embarrassingly back at him. He didn’t, though. Instead he contained himself and kissed his fiancé.

He couldn’t contain himself much longer than what he already had. He’d text Ben, told him to meet him at the car lot. Ben showed up, just like every other time they met in secret, he came whenever Callum called and beneath everything else, it gave himself that felt a lot like power.

Ben locked the door behind them, sat on the edge of the table, arms folded and lips pouted. “Well, this is unexpected.”

“What did I tell ya about backing off?”

Ben got out his phone then, getting up the message Callum had sent him. “Last time I checked my name wasn’t Callum.” Ben’s jaw clenched, Callum tried not to stare and think about pressing his lips alone it. “You wanted me here. So here I am lover boy.”

“I ain’t your-“ Callum huffed. “I ain’t your anything.”

Ben nodded, “you’ve said. So it makes me wonder what exactly I’m doing here.”

“Your last warning to leave me and Whitney alone. Stop with the snidey comments-“

Ben yawned then, bored of hearing the same thing over and over again. “Callum, I’ve got enough going on without you wasting my time with the same lecture every other day, so if ya wouldn’t mind-“

Ben moved to unlock the door, his hand still on the key before Callum was cornering him there. It was impossible to know how to behave decently when it came to being around Ben, everything that felt wrong about his relationship with Whitney seemed to feel right with Ben.

That want and desire built between them with just a look, then a magnet connecting them together brought Callum’s lips to Ben’s jaw, his teeth nipping the skin just below his ear lobe.

“I thought you said you weren’t my lover boy,” Ben mumbled into Callum’s hair.

Callum shut him up with a kiss, knowing full well he was anything Ben said he was.


	16. he belongs to me. the boy is mine

It’s the third time in a month Callum’s seen Ben with a different guy. Like, it’s not that it’s really any of his business what with Ben being single. He’s a young lad who can do what he pleases. 

And he really doesn’t get a right to be anything but happy for him. He’s done what Callum told him to, he’s stayed away. Not so much as a look when they pass anymore. All of it leaves Callum cold and nothing seems to warm him up, not even his fiancés love and care.

It shouldn’t feel like the world falling apart around him, it shouldn’t feel so fucking dramatic that he wants the world to swallow him up.

It just does his head in. The fact Ben can be so freely who he wants to be, doesn’t let judgement make him feel terrible for who and what he is. The fact Ben is so comfortable in his skin, oozes confidence in a way Callum didn’t know was possible.

Callum sometimes wants to _be_ him. Sometimes, he wants to be _with_ him.

The latter isn’t news to him, he knew Ben was deep in his veins the minute they clicked all those months ago. He just doesn’t understand why it still all feels so raw. He doesn’t understand how Ben’s moving on so easily without him, when his entire being burns to be the one with Ben’s hands all over him.

The last time he crossed Ben with other guys he ignored it, told himself he didn’t care. Got involved with wedding talk and did what he could to take his mind off Ben. It only worked for a while, before his memories and thoughts came back to haunt his mind.

This time he’s not sure he can do it again. How many times is he supposed to be pretend he’s alright with the world? That his life is perfect and he’s never been happier?

The final straw comes when the guy covers Ben’s frame with his own, his mouth near his ear whispering something sickeningly sweet and making Ben lean into him, a grin lighting up his face.

Callum must love punishment because he doesn’t look away, not even when the guy sucks at Ben’s neck and Ben’s eyes fall onto Callum’s. It feels like it’s the first time Ben’s noticed him, and he almost can’t breathe from it. Callum feels ridiculously happy just by Ben noticing him, the fact he finally looked at him again and didn’t look away until their eyes met. Even with a random person at his neck.

It’s all Callum needs to get up and head to the toilets, makes sure to bump a little into Ben on his way. Callum shouldn’t have the electricity going through him that he does already. Especially if Ben doesn’t even follow him.

Callum smoothes down his t-shirt a bit, then runs his hands through his gelled hair. He can feel himself begin to weaken, almost on flight mode again when he runs and ignores his true feelings.

Before he can sink any further into that thought, the door swings open, the handle to the door knocking against the wall with a whack and making him jump.

Ben leans back against the wall, arms folded across his chest. “What do ya want?”

His voice is soft and unexpected, Callum looks over at him and shrugs. The cats got his tongue for a minute or two and then it looks like Ben’s going to walk out, and it’s enough to make Callum blurt out, “is it too late to say you?”

He puffs his cheeks out after, shocked but pleased with himself for admitting it loudly. But Ben doesn’t look at him the way he thought he would, he doesn’t run into his arms and kiss his face off.

“Until ya regret it after and I’m left with nothing.”

“I won’t regret it,” Callum assures. “I don’t regret the first time either,” Callum shares, it must be honest hour.

“I never expected ya to leave Whitney for me,” Ben looked up at the ceiling, “but the way you treated me like I meant nothing was out of order and I’m worth more than that.”

Callum nodded, he agreed so much. He stepped forward slightly. “Ya deserve to be happy. I’m sorry for being such an arse.”

“At least you’re a fit one,” Ben jokes, a soft smile rising. “I’ve got a nice lad waiting for me outside, I’d best get back.”

Callum stops him from leaving, annoyed that he’s shared so much and Ben still wants to go back to him. “What about the lad standing right in front of ya?”

Ben huffs out a laugh. “He’s not bad I suppose.”

Callum lunges forward, Ben’s laughter giving him that warmth he’d been missing for so long. It knocks a moan from out of Ben’s lips and he pushes them back into a cubical.

“You’re so romantic,” Ben says breathless. “First the park, now the loos.”

Callum hooks his fingers under Ben’s belt, brings his hips closer to his, grinds against him and licks his lips at the sight of Ben mesmerised by him. “Not complaining, are you?”

Callum’s not sure how he does it, he makes Ben go like jelly in his arms. His fingers clawing at the backs of Callum’s hair for more, always wanting.

Callum kissing along his jaw, hell bent on making things up to him. The first time he got down on his knees for Ben, he’d fumbled so much at Ben’s belt that Ben had pulled him back up to his feet. Told him that he didn’t have to anything he didn’t want.

He did want to, but everything was too much then. He had an angel on one shoulder, and the devil on the other. Now, his mind felt more clear.

Ben ran his fingers through Callum’s hair, his smile encouraging. Callum kissed along his pelvis, wet sucking kisses that made Ben’s fingers pull at Callum’s hair.

They were almost too far gone in their own bubble to realise someone had entered the toilets until a voice cut through the air. “Ben, are you in here?”

Ben covered his mouth to hold in his laughter, he bit down on his lip and cleared his throat before answering. “Yeah, won’t be a minute.”

Callum looked up at him, his eyes dark. No way was he going anywhere else tonight, especially not with another man.

Callum rumpled up Ben’s t-shirt in his hands before biting and sucking Ben’s hip bone. He made sure it would leave a mark, sucking even harder when the guy called him ‘babe’ and told him that he’d ‘wait’ for him. Ben bit his fist, squirming slightly but loving it even more.

The guy gave up waiting in the end, Callum all but happy to be the one sharing a bed with Ben that night.


	17. i’ve got my head in the clouds. oh my love, love is beginning

He’s never really been a morning person, and today he really wishes he was still in bed. He covers his mouth with his hand as he enters the cafe, a yawn taking over. 

It’s thankfully quiet, he doesn’t have to do any pleasantries with people he barely knows. He orders his coffee and sits down to wait for it.

He’s in a world of his own, but the whiff of aftershave that clogs his nostrils can only mean one thing; Ben’s entered and Callum feels drastically more awake than he has since he got up.

He looks up from the corner of his eyes, pretends to scroll through his phone whilst eyeing the back of Ben’s head.

They’ve been on good terms lately, there’s been no running away or fighting his feelings, he’s let himself take and give what he can. Strange thing is, when they’re together it doesn’t feel like they’re cheating and lying, it feels like it’s real. They always tend to forget that they’re always on borrowed time, and it always leaves an ache inside until they can see each other again.

Callum stands then, notices his coffee is ready to go. “Morning,” he stands next to Ben and offers a smile and a thank you to the lady behind the counter.

Ben looks up at him then, and Callum doesn’t know what the difference is for a second or two, his mind still trying to keep up with him due to his tiredness. He scans Ben’s face longer than is necessary and then it clicks. The glasses.

He’s never seen them on before, they make Ben look soft and young, they make Callum want to snog his face off there and then. “Mornin’,” Ben replies, a pleasant smile on his face. His smile turns into a knowing smirk. “Want a photo? I’ve heard they last longer.”

Callum feels the heat rise up to his cheeks, the heat making his whole body feel like it’s on fire.

“The glasses,” he nods. “They make you look-“ 

“I hate them,” Ben cuts in. “Make me feel like a kid again.”

“You shouldn’t,” Callum swallows, lowers his voice. “Meet up later?”

Ben raises his brows. “Can’t stay away from me, can ya?”

Callum rolls his eyes, would never voice how he wishes he was with Ben 24/7. “Whatever. If you’re too busy-“

“Shut up. House is free tonight, I’ll text ya when to come over.”

Callum smiles down towards his coffee, still gets butterflies at the idea of being alone with Ben, of having him to himself. Ben’s fingers skim over Callum’s hands as he goes, and Callum chances one more look at Ben in his glasses.

Tonight can’t come quick enough.

*

They have a few beers together and watch a horror, Ben makes out he’s scared and needs to be snuggled close, Callum knows better, but he puts his arm around Ben’s shoulder and brings him closer anyway. 

With the lights down low and the film ending, Ben climbs on top of Callum’s laps. His legs folding either side of him and his arms wrapping around Callum’s neck. “You’d best stay the night after making me sit through that,” Ben leans in closer, their foreheads touching.

“Didn’t realise you were so soft,” Callum teases bumping their noses together. “Gotta make a deal with me, though.”

“I’m not making ya breakfast in bed again.” Ben scoffs, pushing at Callum’s side playfully.

Callum smiles shyly, still remembers the utter surprise at Ben waking him with a cooked breakfast. Could tell it wasn’t something Ben usually did and that thought added on top of everything else made him spiral deeper.

“Nah. The glasses,” Callum but his lip nervously. “Want you to wear them.”

Ben laughed into him, “didn’t think that would be your kink.”

Callum rolls his eyes, shakes his head. “Ya look... good, alright?”

Ben looks as though he doesn’t believe it, so Callum pulls him in and kisses his frown lines away. “Please.”

Ben takes Callum to his bed, strips himself and leaves himself with nothing but his glasses on. Callum hardens quickly, and he pulls Ben on top of him making him grunt.

Callum wakes to Ben already awake, his arm folded under his head, he looks deep in thought and Callum leans up to kiss along his arm. Ben grins at him, pulling at Callum’s hips until he’s straddling him. “Glasses?” Ben smirks, seeming to find a new found love for them.

“Yes,” Callum says heavily, taking the glasses from the side and putting them on Ben.

Callum tries not to acknowledge the fact Ben starts to wear his glasses on a more regular basis now.


	18. finally, you and me are the lucky ones this time

Ben looks up at Callum with a reassuring and beaming smile, his eyes crinkling slightly at the edges and the grey clouds above them suddenly seem to open and then the sun appears, casting light down onto Ben’s features. 

“Ya look as though I’ve just asked for your hand in marriage,” Ben grimaces, smirk playing on lips. “It’s just a meal with my mam, no big deal.”

Only, it is a big deal and Ben knows it, because the fear of Callum saying no is too much, he doesn’t want that feeling of rejection. “If you don’t want to-“

“I do,” Callum shakes his head, taking Ben’s hand into his. “It’s just... what if it goes wrong?”

Ben rolls his eyes. “What, cause I’m there?” He huffs teasingly before squeezing Callum’s hand. “She already knows who ya are, it’s not as if you’re a stranger making a first impression. She knows you’re a good guy with a good heart.”

“Look at you being all nice,” Callum snorts a ridiculously ‘I’m so in love with you’ laugh that makes Ben shove him away.

“You coming or not?” Ben questions, eyebrow raised with arms stubbornly folded across his chest.

*

Callum’s come in a new navy shirt that Ben’s never seen him in before, and it makes Ben’s heart flutter when he opens the door to him. He can’t hide his happiness, but it doesn’t seem to matter cause Callum grins down at him with pink cheeks and wet lips and Ben can’t believe he finally gets to call him his. 

He stares for too long before pulling Callum in for a kiss, his fist curling into Callum’s new shirt eagerly and Callum can’t help but pull away reluctantly, a laugh on his lips. “Steady on.”

“Can’t we skip the main meal and go straight to dessert?” Ben unashamedly eyes up his boyfriend, his fingers stretching to feel more at his chest.

Callum turns his nose up, shakes his head with a playful smile. “Nah, I’m starving. Show me in then,” Callum pulls himself away, straightening out his shirt and checking his hair out once more in the small mirror.

Ben practically slams the door shut, his lips full in a pout. “Hate you,” he mumbles, but Callum just laughs, remarkably at ease.

*

They were meant to have something Kathy had made, but they’d kind of had a bit too much to drink, conversation had flowed with ease and Kathy had forgotten about the stuff in the oven until it was too late and the fire alarm was going off. 

Ben was in hysterics, Kathy was close on crying and Callum was torn between laughing along with Ben and showing sympathy and crying along with Kathy.

“Everything’s ruined,” she whined, flapping around the kitchen and opening the window slightly, smoke from the oven filling the kitchen.

“It’s fine,” Callum tried to calm her. “Let’s just have a Chinese,” he smiled at her, “it’s fine.” He said more quietly, for her ears only and she visibly relaxed, letting out a breath and nodding her head.

“I love a pork ball,” Ben chirped up from the living room, making both Callum and Kathy roll their eyes at each other with fond smiles.

*

Kathy kissed Callum goodnight on the cheek, had whispered in his ear how lucky Ben was to have him in his life, how happy she was for her baby boy. He blushed, her words sweeping through his body and making him feel something he was starting to feel more regular lately; pride. 

Then it was just the two of them, Ben leaning against Callum’s chest, head tucked under his chin. “Told ya tonight was gonna be fine.”

“It was more than fine,” Callum breathed into Ben’s hair. “Thank you.”

Ben turned to look at him, “what for?”

“For getting me to this point,” Callum shrugged, suddenly feeling shy under Ben’s gaze. “For making me genuinely happy.”

Ben bit down on his lip, his head falling into the crook of Callum’s neck. “Ya make me happy, too.”

The sensation of Ben’s smile against Callum’s skin made Callum close his eyes and smile, too.

Ben’s phone began to vibrate on the table, he was so close to ignoring it until Callum moved away to let him answer. He groaned slightly before seeing the caller ID and clearing his throat to smile down at his phone. “Hello princess, shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

Ben turned so he was leaning up against Callum again and he held up his phone so that Lexi could see the both of them. She gasped at the sight of Callum before waving excitedly at them both. “Callum! I saw the softest dog ever today and decided to name him after you!”

Callum smiled sweetly. “Now it’s the best dog in all of East London.”

Ben huffed. “Hello, daddy here,” he faked jealousy making them both laugh.

“I always see you. I miss Callum.” She admitted, pulling her blanket up under her neck.

“I miss you too, darling.” Callum blew a kiss to her. “Zoo tomorrow?” He felt Ben lean in closer to him and Callum rested his chin down onto the top of his head. “Daddy can make our favourite sandwiches.”

“Jam,” she smiled sleepily. “Mummy won’t mind that at all.”

“We shall see you tomorrow then,” Ben promised. “Night, I love you.” He blew a kiss and waved goodbye.

They watched her fall asleep until Lola picked up the phone and said goodnight, too.

“You’re so good with her,” Ben commented, pulling Callum’s arm until it was tucked under his chin. “I don’t know how I’ve got this lucky.” 

“That makes two of us then,” Callum sighs contently into Ben’s hair, before placing a kiss there and letting him fall asleep in his arms.


	19. i wanna go back and do it all over, but i can't go back

Callum doesn’t really care to think how dramatic it sounds, because let’s face it, he’s been through enough to know that this week hasn’t actually been the worst of his life, but the way his mind constantly ticks over and his body yearns for something he’s lost, he can’t seem to tell himself otherwise. 

Every day seems to be an up hill struggle, every day is a day closer to his wedding, every day since Ben told him he wasn’t worth the hassle has been days he wishes he could erase.

As a kid he’d imagined it wouldn’t have been so impossible to make a time machine, to rewind, pause and fast forward parts in your life. He thought he was going to make his crap upbringing all worth it once he was a teen. Then he hit his teens, learnt nothing was much different and that with good times came bad times and it was just something you had to deal with, to fight through and tell yourself you’d be stronger for it.

Only this time, he doesn’t feel so positive. He knows better now.

*

He feels awful for thinking it, but he’s glad Whitney’s gone out for the night. He needed that space, time to think, time to just be alone and maybe talk himself out his downward spiral. 

He weighed out his pros and cons, seemingly having more pros, but there was a big fat con at the top of his list: BEN MITCHELL.

He opened up a beer, drank it far too quickly before opening another and then another. Before he knew it, he was leaving the flat and heading towards _The Prince Albert._

Once he got there he stood rooted to the spot outside the doors. Why had he come here? Why hadn’t he just gone to The Vic if all he wanted was a quiet drink out? He rubs at his forehead, the confusion and pain building like a fever rapidly and he should just turn back. Call it a night and sleep, after all, it was the only time he had any peace and quiet from his own thoughts and everything else that raked through his bones.

Then the answer ruptures behind him in the sound of a drunken laugh. Ben’s laugh of all people, he turns quickly to see him head in in his direction, but he doesn’t notice Callum. He’s too busy with his arm slung across the shoulders of a taller guy, a guy grinning from ear to ear.

They look as though they’ve had a good night and it’s just about to get better until Ben stumbles and Callum rushes to catch him, his hands grabbing at his elbows. Ben moves away instantly, as if the touch burns and Callum swallows against another rejection. Ben only looks at him quickly before turning to the other guy on his side.

“Get me a beer, I’ll be in in a minute,” he smirks confidently, his fingers curl around the guys biceps before he leans up to press a opened mouth kiss to his lips. The guy reacts instantly, wrapping his arms around Ben’s smaller waist and the sound of Ben moaning makes Callum almost drag him away. He can’t though, so instead he turns away and prays it doesn’t last much longer.

The churning in his stomach increases and he’s sure he’s going to be sick, he breathes deeply when the doors to the bar open and they’re finally alone. He turns back to Ben, can’t help but smile a little because it’s the first time he’s seen him all week and he looks so good. _So_ fucking good that he craves all of him.

“Hi,” he says stupidly, his mouth dry. “You ok?” 

Ben scoffs before straightening his shoulders, bringing his head up high. “I’m great,” Ben replies slow and deliberate. “Have ya _seen_ that guy?” He nods in his dates direction, before something switches and the mood turns dark between them and Ben’s face hardens, eyes narrowed. “I’d best not keep him waiting.”

Callum knows he’s pleading with his eyes, begging him not to go any further. He steps in close, can see the fading cut on Ben’s lip and he struggles to get passed it. He shakes his head, wants to touch it, want to touch him, and he does. He raises his hand to Ben’s lips, his thumb cold and shaky against it and he wishes he had the ability to take it away.

Ben seems to forget himself for a minute, let’s Callum leave his hand there before he steps out of reach again. “I can’t stop thinking about ya, about what ya said.” Callum rubs at his chin. “Come back with me,” Callum says without any really thinking behind it. “Let’s talk-“

“No, Callum. I meant what I said,” Ben looks regretful. “I’m done with all this.”

“Then why doesn’t it feel over?” Callum presses. “Why are ya so intent on making me jealous-“

“ _Fuck you_ ,” Ben slurs. “Don’t even go there, mate.” He shakes his head before walking away. “Focus on your wife to be like you’re supposed to be doing and let me move on!”

The door shuts behind Ben and Callum’s glad he held his tears back for as long as he did. He won’t bother to stop them now.

He walks back to his flat and takes a cold shower. He sits down in it until he can’t physically cry no more and he feels capable enough to move.

Tomorrow, he will start again, tomorrow he will go back to a life before Ben.

Tomorrow, Ben will wake up alone with only one thing on his mind, just like every day since he lied and said Callum wasn’t worth it.

Tomorrow, they’ll both wish they had a time machine to rewind and start all over again.


	20. kiss me on my forehead, make everything OK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> simply wanted some soft forehead kisses...

It’s the first night in weeks that he’s been able to sleep and it’s probably down to the fact that Callum stayed the night. 

He hadn’t gone looking for him, and Callum hadn’t either, they’d literally bumped into each other in the square, Ben had been drinking _again_ and his head was spinning.

Callum had apologised, held him for a second too long before letting go. A sadness crossed his face, Ben’s blue eyes had never carried such darkness. He wanted to ask what was wrong, wanted to stay with him until he was the Ben Callum had remembered, the one with a twinkle in his eye and unapologetic grin on his face.

Callum watched him quietly, before shaking his head. “Give me that,” he grabbed for the half empty vodka bottle in Ben’s hand before throwing it away. “Let’s get you home.”

“I don’t nee- I don’t want ya help,” Ben slurred. “I’ve told ya before, just stay away from me.”

“Look, I know you hate me,” Callum hates to think of it, a little bit of him inside still hopes it’s not true, “but I’m not leaving ya in this state.”

Ben laughs harshly. “Where ya been for the past week?” Ben looks up then, lips turned downwards. “Oh, yeah, with perfect Whitney.” Ben hiccups, “the woman ya so desperately in love with and going to marry-“

“Don’t want to talk about her,” Callum huffs, defensive yet hurt. “The sooner ya let me help, the sooner I’ll leave you alone.”

Ben shrugs then, picks his feet up to walk home and he loses his balance again. Callum holds him up and doesn’t let go this time, takes a hold of his waist and brings Ben’s arm up over his shoulders. “Deja vu,” Ben teases, but the words are cold and Ben’s not in a playful mood.

Callum decides to keep quiet and focuses on getting Ben inside.

*

It’s a struggle to get Ben to listen to him once they’re in. He’s adamant he’s alright, that he’s more than capable. So Callum just stands there for a moment, watches Ben try and take his jacket and shoes off, and if it wasn’t so sad to see him in this state, it would be amusing. 

Callum huffs then, fed up of Ben’s stubbornness. “Ben, this is ridiculous-“

“A bit like your life then,” Ben snaps, frustrated mostly at himself because he knows Callum’s right. He know he’s the one who’s ridiculous.

Callum’s eyes drop to his feet, he’s heard it all before and he’s sure it’ll probably be the same for the rest of his life, especially with the way he’s feeling deep inside since Ben came into his life and made him question everything.

“Sorry,” Ben rubs at his neck. “I didn’t mean that.”

Callum just licks his lips, avoids eye contact. “I’ll go and get you some water.”

*

Ben’s body welcomes it, sheepishly asks Callum to get him more and Callum does so, a smile on his lips at Ben softening and letting him finally help. 

It’s nearly one in the morning, and Callum tries to hide a yawn, but Ben’s more aware now, he clears his throat before asking, “stay?”

Callum looks at him, doesn’t hide his surprise. “But ya said-“

“I know,” Ben swallows. He walks to the bottom of the stairs and stretches out his hand, a vulnerability to him that Callum’s never witnessed. “I don’t want to be on my own.”

It doesn’t take long for Callum to think about what he wants to do. He lets Ben take him by the hand and they head upstairs.

Ben strips into his boxers, and if the situation was different, Callum knows he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off of him, instead he awkwardly removes his shoes and jeans and stands in just a T-shirt and boxers.

Ben smiles up at him before patting the bed. “Don’t just stand there. It’s kinda creepy.”

Callum rolls his eyes, but he moves to lay by Ben’s side. It’s mad to think this is the first time they’ve shared a bed. It feels natural, and it shouldn’t matter that Callum can hear Ben’s heartbeat quicken in the dark, but it does.

“I miss ya,” Ben confesses, it’s soft to Callum’s ears and he knows the words have made him blush, he knows he’s smiling like he hasn’t done in months.

“Yeah?” Callum questions, voice a whisper. He knows he shouldn’t say it, that tomorrow he’ll go back to Whitney and nothing will have changed, but he wants Ben to know, “I miss you, too.”

A sigh of relief leaves Ben’s lips and washes over Callum’s cheek. He drops down onto his side, Callum’s long arms wrapping around his warming body, and Ben’s face fits into the soft skin of Callum’s neck.

His fingertips glide up and down Ben’s spine slowly and soothing. Ben’s breathing slows, his eyes closed, and Callum kisses his forehead. Ben snuggles closer into him and Callum can’t help but kiss him again.

There’s a stupid part of him that thinks maybe in the future this could be real, they could fall asleep in each other’s arms after a long day at work. But he knows that’s all it ever will be, a thought.

He stays awake until he’s sure Ben’s asleep, his fingers carding through his hair before placing a longing kiss into his hair.

When Ben wakes up, Callum’s already gone.


	21. everything’s changing around me and i want to change too

Callum feels like a school kid refusing to get up and dressed for school. Only, he isn’t a kid, and this is supposed to be the biggest day of his life. 

He lays on Jay’s sofa, arm tucked under his head and eyes focused on the slight damp on the ceiling, he’s had less than an hours sleep, but that doesn’t even bother him. The chaos in his mind is what’s making him want to scream and pull his hair out.

He thinks about running away, just leaving with the clothes on his back and starting somewhere new. Somewhere where nobody knows who is or what he’s about. Somewhere that doesn’t have Ben Mitchell.

Then he thinks about confessing everything. Telling Whitney as much as he can, without really understanding any of it himself. He knows it would be gibberish, words stumbling out of his mouth whilst Whitney looks up at him, confused and hurt.

Then he envisions the tears rolling down her cheeks,  the loud cries leaving her and he can’t do that to her.

He loves her, and he won’t hurt her like that.

His thoughts are interrupted by Jay telling someone to behave themselves and he doesn’t have to guess twice who he’s speaking to. He gets up slowly, pulls the small blanket up close to him and tries to smile, his eyes focusing on Jay.

“Are you ready for ya big day?” Jay asks, cluttering around the kitchen with bags from the _Minute Mart_. “I thought you’d have been up and showered by now, mate. You look rough,” he says on afterthought.”

“Cheers,” he tries to laugh it off, but nothing seems to connect and instead he just feels sick with it. “Nerves that’s all,” he swallows.

Jay clicks his fingers, “a cooked breakfast will do the trick.” He rummages through the bags once more. “Shit,” he moans. “I forgot the beans!” He points at Ben accusingly. “Your fault.”

“How?” Ben laughs, rolling his eyes. “Not my fault nobody’s with it today.”

“You distracted me with your bloody talk of last nights hook up.”

Callum’s ears pricked up then, a thickness building in the back of his throat.

“He _was_ fit, though.” Ben says sycophantic. A smile on his lips that just didn’t seem to reach his eyes, but maybe that was Callum’s wishful thinking. “I’ll go back and get the beans, brother.”

“No.” Jay holds up his hands. “You can start on the bacon, I’ll go.” He shakes his head at Callum, apologising quietly on his behalf before closing the door behind him.

The airs suddenly turned a lot thicker, and it doesn’t feel good. It consumes Callum with even more dread. He’s not sure what to do, he just sits awkwardly playing with a bit of loose fabric on the blanket.

He looks up every now and again, doesn’t know what he’s hoping for, but every time he looks up and Ben doesn’t show any interest in him, it frustrates him a little bit more until he snaps. “Ya planning on ignoring me forever, or what?”

He sees the muscles tense in Ben’s jaw, he flips the bacon in the pan. “Not sure what ya want me to say to ya.”

Callum huffs, “hello would be a start.” He licks his lips, he needs a drink or something, the smell of grease fills his nostrils and with everything else going on inside his body it’s enough to make him jump to his feet and run to the bathroom.

He isn’t sick, thankfully, but Ben kneels down at his side with a glass of cold water. Callum wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and thanks him. “I’m not expecting ya to be nice to me,” Callum says after a moments silence. “Ya can be prick to me, if ya want.”

Ben clicks his neck, clearly just as tense as Callum is and it offers some kind of comfort, just to know he isn’t alone in feeling so uptight. “No fun anymore, is it?” He looks over at Callum, “what with you soon to be a married man.”

_Married man._

The words leave Callum feeling cold, it shouldn’t feel like that, but he masks it with a tight smile. “You are going to forever hold your peace, then?”

Ben frowns, “what?”

“Well, ya know, the whole ‘if anyone here knows of any reason...’” he clears his throat. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

Ben bites at his bottom lip. “I wouldn’t do that to you,” he breaths, words sincere. “I’ve told ya what I think,” he looks away, a sigh falling from his lips. “And it wasn’t enough.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Callum says honestly. “I feel so... confused and hopeless.”

“You are not hopeless,” Ben says strongly. “But if you’re having any doubts, any at all, then you shouldn’t go through with it.”

“I’m gonna let so many people down,” Callum runs a hand through his hair, looks up at Ben. “I just want to do something right for once. Feel _right_ and not want the whole world to swallow me up.”

Ben tentatively places a hand on Callum’s knee. “We’ve all felt like that, some more than others.” He raises his eyebrows, because this is Ben Mitchell he’s talking to and he obviously knows what he’s talking about.

It makes Callum smile a little, but it’s genuine this time and that’s good enough for him. “I can’t break her heart,” Callum’s eyes fixate on Ben’s hand gentle on his knee. “But I can’t keep lying to her, either.”

“She’s strong and she’s been through enough to know she’ll get through this,” Ben offers. “She would want you to be happy, too”

“She’ll hate me,” Callum shakes his head. “I don’t want her to hate me.”

“Yeah, alright, she might do for a little while.” Ben replies softly. “Then she’ll move on, find someone who loves her properly and realise you did the right thing for both of you.”

Callum thinks for a while, knows now is not the time to be thinking about him and Ben, but he thinks if he just knows this he’ll have something positive waiting for him. “Would ya be there for me? Like, would you want to give us a real shot at things.”

He notices the way Ben’s eyes light up, a crinkle of a smile on the edges of his mouth. “I didn’t think you’d want to.”

“I would,” Callum drops a hand on top of Ben’s, interlocks their fingers slightly. “I do.”

Ben smirks slightly then. “Bet you didn’t think you’d be saying that to me today.”

“Shut up,” Callum rolls his eyes, smiling and feeling more relaxed.

Ben smiles along before leaning in and pressing a kiss to Callum’s cheek. It’s over too soon, but it’s like he’s had a new lease of life. “I’d best go and see her.”

“Do ya want me to come with you?”

Callum shakes his head. “No, just promise you’ll be there when I need you.”

“Always,” Ben swallows, open and soft. He frowns and sniffs. “Shit, I’ve crucified the bacon!”

He rushes to his feet and Callum lets himself laugh amongst all the heart ache due to come his way.

It’s going to be the hardest thing he’s ever had to do, but as he watches Ben turn off the hob and waft the burnt bacon with tea towel, he thinks for the first time ever, he’s going to be alright.

He’s going to be genuinely happy.


	22. we can be who we are. you taught me something, yeah freedom is ours it was you who taught me living is togetherness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no prompt, bit spoilery. GIVE US BALLUM EE

Callum’s already got enough on his mind and he shouldn’t really be getting involved. Yet, the minute he heard his name, heard how worried Lola was about him, his ears pricked up and that unfamiliar but all consuming feeling that always built up inside him when it came to Ben found it’s way back in again. 

He hadn’t seen much of Ben, other than when he passed him in the square. His arm automatically reaching out to touch, his fingers brushing against his wrist. It was only brief, but Ben’s skin lingered on Callum’s fingertips for the rest of the day.

He’s worried about him since. The cuts on his face, the way he charged around the place like he was a ticking time bomb. He wanted to be able to help.

Instead, he felt as useless as always. He looked down at the paper in front of him. Writing his vows was hard enough, but now he had Ben on his mind and it seemed even more impossible to gather words together that even meant something.

He dropped the pen and screwed up the paper and binned it.

He thought about ringing Ben. Finding him.

He thought about his wife to be.

He attempted his vows again.

*

The morning after he should feel better for writing more than he had this time yesterday, but it doesn’t seem to matter right now. Especially when he sees Ben heading into the car lot, face like thunder. 

Callum thinks for less than a second before heading over there himself. He opens the door without knocking, Ben’s back to him, hunched over the table, his hands gripping the sides tightly, his knuckles white.

“Ben-“ Callum edges closer, shutting the door behind him. “What’s happened? Is it ya dad?”

Ben scoffs. “What, you pointing the finger at me too, are ya?”

“No, course not.” Callum swallows. “Why would I-“

“Because everyone else who’s supposed to be there for me thinks I did it,” he stands then, eyes wide and breathing heavy. “I almost finished it, though. I was _so_ close to just killing him. Ending his sorry, pathetic life.”

“What stopped you?” Callum asks, voice as calm as possible, eyes wandering all over Ben’s face, saddens him that the confidence and arrogance has gone behind his eyes.

Ben bites his bottom lip, drags his teeth across the cut there. “Jay,” he huffs. “We argued and I hit him.” Ben pushes his palms into his eyes, he looks so close to crying that Callum wants to take it all away. “Now he hates me. I’m losing everything and everyone.”

“He could never hate ya, Ben. You and him are brothers, you’re strong and you’ll both get passed this.” Callum smiles briefly. “You’ve got Lexi, Lola and ya mum.”

_You’ve got me.  
_

He so wants to say it. To let Ben know he’s there for him, despite everything else.

“I don’t deserve them,” Ben replies, and Callum can tell he believes it.

“Well, they love ya and they’ll always be there for you.”

“Didn’t realise I’d signed up for an agony aunt,” Ben rolls his eyes, but there’s no menace behind his voice and Callum laughs to himself.

Being here, just the two of them, made him forget his duties elsewhere, he wasn’t sure he could leave.

“I know there’s so much going on right now, but I’m always here for you,” Callum offers.

“You don’t have to-“

“I want to. Be there for you, I mean.” Callum strings his hands together, awkwardly.

Ben’s eyes soften, his lips curling slightly before he looks away, and it makes Callum smile slightly too because this is what they know.

“Go for a drink later?” Callum asks hopeful, smile still on his lips.

Ben winces slightly. “Despite how good that sounds, don’t fancy all them lot staring me down like a villain.”

“We don’t have to go there,” Callum plays with his tie, feels his cheeks burning. “We can go to that bar we went last time.”

Ben’s fingers run across his lips slightly, maybe Callum’s stupidly wanting to see the smirk behind Ben’s fingers or it actually does appear. The memory not forgotten by either of them.

“Don’t you have a wedding-“

“I’ll see you at six,” Callum cuts him short, sick of hearing about weddings and vows.

It looks like Ben’s ready to thank him for all of this, but Callum leaves after another smile.

He can thank him later.


	23. i just want to make sure you’re safe

“You’re nervous.”

Callum looks at Ben through his lashes, nods. “Is it that obvious?”

Ben moves closer, their knees bumping. He can’t seem to stop staring, stop smiling. Callum rubs awkwardly at his chin, knows he’s blushing again, that familiar feel of flush pinking the skin on his neck and cheeks. “You’ve not stopped looking at the exit since ya got here.”

Callum swallows. They’re in The Prince Albert, but he doesn’t want Ben to think that’s why he’s so nervous. No, he’s nervous because this is their first date and he doesn’t want anything to go wrong.

“We can go to E20 if ya prefer?” Ben nudges Callum’s arm with his elbow. “Anything to stop you bolting on me.”

He’s joking, the smile on his lips says he is, but Callum doesn’t want to go anywhere else. He wants to be here, with Ben. He wants to make up for all the years he lost; find himself and be able to be happy with who he is.

And Ben helps that seem possible. Callum shakes his head, frowns. “Nah, it’s your turn to get me a drink.”

He feels Ben’s breath on his cheek, it’s shaky, and maybe he’s not the only who’s nervous.

Ben places his hand into Callum’s before thinking if it’s okay or not, but Callum folds his fingers over Ben’s, squeezes slightly, before Ben gets to his feet. “Virgin Mary coming up.”

Another joke. This time Callum hides his affection behind an eye roll.  
-  
The world must hate them. There’s no other explanation for it. It happens all too fast. One minute Ben’s minding his own business coming back to the table with their drinks, the next, someone’s stumbling into him making him spill the drinks down himself and dropping the glasses to the floor.

Callum sees the way Ben’s face turns to stone, his nostrils flaring and he jumps into action, pulling Ben away from the situation before he ends up in a fight.

“Watch where ya going!” Ben shouts back, can’t help himself. He huffs down at his shirt. “Look ats the state of me.”

Callum flaps about himself for a minute before he realises the mess behind them is getting cleaned up and the culprit has long gone. He takes in the state of Ben’s clothes, bites down a smile because it is funny, if only a little bit. “I’ve got spare shirts at the flat. Ya can get yourself cleaned up and we can come back?”

Ben’s head tilts up, a smirk on his lips. “Ya just want to get my kit off.”

“No. No, I-“

“Cal,” Ben raises his eyebrows.

“You’re joking,” Callum nods, “course you are.”

They share a smile before they walk to Callum’s flat.  
-  
Ben undoes his shirt and paces around the living area whilst Callum goes into the bedroom to get him another shirt.

He doesn’t mean to be nosy, but the black bag on the table all but stares him in the face. He opens it up a little until he can see what’s inside.

His breathing hitches slightly. He doesn’t have to look any further to know what’s there; grey fabric stained red. He feels Callum back in the room before he even sees him, and he steps away from the bag like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

“Sorry,” Ben chokes out, moving to Callum to take the shirt he’s brought with him, but he doesn’t give it up.

“I didn’t know what to do with it,” Callum looks over Ben’s shoulder. “I couldn’t wash it. I couldn’t throw it. I-“

“Hey, ya don’t have to explain anything to me.”

Callum looks down at him, his head dropping. “When you were in hospital I’d hold it close to me. It’s covered in your blood and yet it’s the only thing I had of you, the one thing that made me feel close to you.” Callum’s surprised he’s got any tears left to cry, but they flow freely down his cheeks. “I didn’t know if you were going to live or die and it scared me, Ben.”

It still surprises Ben how sincere Callum is when it comes to his feelings. He heard him say how scared he was when he thought he’d lost him in the hospital, but it still stills him. “I’m sorry ya had to go through that.”

Callum laughs through his sobs, a hand rubbing across his face. “You’re the one who got shot.”

“Yeah,” Ben nods, looks down at the small bandage over his wound. “But ya were there for me, kept me talking.” He smiles down at Callum’s hands. “Stroked my hair for ages. You’re lucky, any other time and I’d have fallen asleep.”

Callum smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’d have done anything to make sure I didn’t lose you.”

“And ya didn’t,” Ben steps back, “I’m _here_. I’m alright.”

Callum lifts his fingers to the the edge of the bandage, traces it gently before letting out a breath and pulling Ben into his arms.

Ben holds Callum back just as tight, his hands soothing along his spine and shoulder blades.

They stay like that for a while before Ben’s yawning into Callum’s neck, his body loser in Callum’s hold. “Tired?” Callum asks, lips brushing in his hair.

“A bit, but I’ve got a date with a fit guy that I want to get back to,” Ben looks up at Callum, Callum’s eyes already on him. “What?”

“We can just stay here, I’ll make us some food and we can watch a film.” Callum’s hand comes up to Ben’s hair, Ben’s eyes closing to the softness. “Ya can stay the night,” Callum says quietly, nervous but sure.

Ben’s eyes open slowly, a grin tugging at his lips and he nods a little more eager than he intended.

“Yeah?” Callum questions, his heart racing.

“Yeah,” Ben replies, soft and warm, and all the things he thought he’d never be again.


	24. all that noise, and all that sound

Ben’s never really noticed it before. He guesses it’s because they didn’t spend literally every breathing second together like they have been the past week.

He knows Callum’s mostly in his own world half the time, a world that’s full of only kindness and safety (and no doubt food). He knows he lacks concentration, picked up on the twitch in Callum’s eyes when he can’t seem to focus properly or take things in.

It doesn’t worry Ben at all, and it shouldn’t anyway because it’s not a big deal, it’s just something he’s _noticed._

Then in the nights Callum can’t seem to get much sleep. Constantly tosses and turns in the bed next to Ben, sweat covering his body when it’s the middle of winter.

Again, Callum doesn’t bring it up so Ben stays quiet.

Only it can’t stay that way because the _clicking_ sounds are too much tonight. They make Callum sit up in the bed, his head in his hands and he breathes heavily, the weight on his shoulders almost crippling.

The sounds are usually soft and slow, but tonight they’re louder and faster.

Ben stirs in his sleep before he’s turning the bed side light on and rubbing at his eyes before putting on his glasses and sitting next to Callum, his hand rubbing up and down his back. “What’s going on?” He asks, tone light and sleepy, but knowing.

Callum looks at him, hates that he can’t focus properly, his brain foggy because of the sounds engulfing him. “Nout,” he tries.

Ben doesn’t buy it, tilts his head to the side. “Come on, I ain’t stupid.”

Callum sighs, his fingers rubbing at his chin. “I’ve got tinnitus.”

Ben’s forehead creases into a frown, shaking his head, so Callum explains as best he can, focuses on Ben and hopes he can finish what he has to say.

“There was an explosion. In the army,” Callum swallows, fingers pulling at loose string on his pyjama too. “Didn’t realise how close I was until I was waking up in hospital a day later.” Ben’s hand squeezes at his shoulder, before he leans in to kiss it too, Callum smiles sadly, his head down and eyes closed. “Lucky I didn’t die, really. Instead I just gotta deal with _this,”_ Callum points to his ears.

“Well, they are a distinctive attribute,” Ben smiles softly, lifting the hand off Callum’s back to rub gently at his earlobe instead. “Is it serious?” Ben questions after silence.

“Doctor said it’ll get better over time,” Callum shrugs. “It’s just a reminder, ya know? Reminds me what I had to see when I was back there,” he licks his lips, “I hate it.”

“I know,” Ben nods. “But you were – _are_ so brave, Callum. I wish you could see that.”

Callum shakes his head, he’ll never see it and want that praise, but he doesn’t say anything because he knows Ben won’t give up on trying to tell him how wrong he is. He smiles instead, but it’s tight and Ben just comes to sit in between his legs, his arms wrapping around Callum and letting his face rest in between his neck and shoulder.

“Ya can talk to me about it whenever you’re ready, ya know that, don’t you?” Ben breathes him in, smiling when Callum pulls him closer.

“I know,” Callum finds comfort in Ben’s embrace. “You are alright sometimes,” Ben pulls back, making them both laugh.

Ben looks sad suddenly, his face falling. “You look tired.”

Callum nods. “This spike is a bit intense,” Callum’s sighs, closing his eyes when Ben’s fingers tickle circles on the skin at the back of his neck.

“Probably not helped by my snoring, eh?” Ben nips at his bottom lip.

“So ya do know you sound like a pig then, yeah?” Callum pokes at Ben’s side, smile large and he’s thankful for this man in front of him. “I need to try and sleep,” Callum lays down, pulling Ben down with him, his head on Callum’s chest.

Callum takes deep breathes, tries to relax best he can, counts to ten and repeats it again and again until his body relaxes and his eyes gradually close.

Ben chances a glance up at him, kissing at his chin before snuggling in close again.

Callum learns to stop what he’s doing when his tinnitus spikes, calms himself best he can and Ben’s there to support him every time.

With his boyfriends support, Callum can finally talk more about the army, and everything that he keeps hidden gradually comes out.

Callum still wouldn’t call himself _brave_ , but he definitely feels _stronger._

 


	25. flausch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for the wonderful luisa (@lucres on tumblr) happy birthday, so sorry i didn’t have time to do you so much more because you deserve MORE. anyway, please like this small gift love from me 🎈💛

“How about something warm? It will help ya sleep?”

Ben sighs into Callum’s chest, he doesn’t want anything else right now. He doesn’t want Callum to let go of him.

It’s almost Christmas, and Ben _is_ happy, but there’s something missing lately. Something since his mum lashed out at him, spoke a few home truths and made him feel like a little boy again who wasn’t strong enough to protect himself.

Calum gets it, he understands and sees beneath Ben’s act. Even when they’re having a hard time themselves, when they’re still trying to figure their way through a new relationship and having arguments more than usual.

Even then, Callum holds Ben like he’s the most important person in his life. Holds him close like he needs him to stay alive. And that’s why Ben knows he’s lucky. How he knows he loves Callum whole heartedly and despite everything else, he wouldn’t change any of it.

“Just wanna stay here,” Ben mumbles. “We should watch _Home Alone_ again.”

“Ben,” Callum laughs lightly. “We’ve watched it three days in a row!”

Ben looks up at Callum, lip between his teeth. “I ain’t the one who knows all the words, am I?” Ben looks down at Callum’s hand cupping his, hides the smile on his lips. “I like it,” Ben admits.

Callum just kisses the top of Ben’s head, presses his lips there for a while, before breaking away with a smile. “Alright, but I’m making us hot chocolates first.”

“Fine,” Ben rolls his eyes. “Just hurry up or I’ll watch it without ya.”

*

“Saw ya with your mum today,” Callum says whilst making food. “It looked good?”

Ben smiles, already picking at the snacks from the tray. “Yeah, we talked about Lexi. And stuff,” he looks up at Callum, voice softer. “You should have come over.”

“Nah,” Callum frowns. “You need time together,” Callum kisses Ben’s cheek as he passes him.

Ben’s eyes fall to Callum’s jumper, his arm reaching out to pull Callum towards him. “Is this new?” Ben asks, hands running up and down the fleecy material.

“Yeah,” Callum licks his lips, nods towards the shopping bag in the living room. “Got ya one too.”

Ben looks up at him, smirking. “What, like matching ones?”

“Maybe,” Callum grins shyly.

Ben nods, approving. His hands move to the front of Callum, fingers unable to stop touching at the softness. “Feels almost as soft as you are.”

“That’s why ya love me,” Callum says confidently, warming at the way Ben looks up at him and moves in for a kiss.

“Maybe,” Ben grins, pushing Callum away with a laugh.

Ben _is_ happy.


	26. playing with fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe i could turn this into a one shot if people are interested? call it just a taster if people would like more... if not i will just forget i ever said any of this

Callum’s not sure what it is, or why it’s so easy for him to do it. He knows it’s wrong, that it could and would damage his whole career and the path he’s gone down to get where he is now.

He’s got people who trust him, who think he’s nothing but a saint. They’re wrong - if they knew what he was really like they’d turn their back on him and he wouldn’t blame them.

He believes he doesn’t know why he does it, but the answer always smacks him in the face in the form of Ben Mitchell.

They aren’t even friends. If anything, they can’t stand each other and it’s all the more reason why Callum should stop, turn him in to the police himself. Spill all the illegal dealings he’s aware of.

“I’m not lying for you anymore,” Callum says, making his intentions clear.

“But Callum, you’re so good at lying,” and Ben’s teasing. He’s _close_ and he makes Callum’s life turn upside down.

“Ya know we are after you,” Callum’s arms spread wide. “You need to stop whilst you’re ahead.”

“Callum,” Ben breathes deeply, his eyes focused on Callum’s lips just like they always are, and Callum knows it’s just a cheap move to soften him, but it works every single time. “There’s no ‘ _we’_ in this, ya know you could just arrest me, you’ve had plenty of chances.” Ben’s fingers hook around Callum’s handcuffs, pulls slightly. “Come on then, do it.”

Callum pulls back, rolling his eyes. “Ya know I can’t just arrest you. You haven’t actually _done_ anything.”

Ben pulls his bottom lip in by his teeth, holds Callum’s gaze. “What a shame, really.” Ben smirks before giving Callum the space he’s been silently screaming for. “I’ve got a deal going down tonight and I know your lot are gonna be all over it like a rash. I need _you_ to keep them off the scent.”

“How?” Callum frowns.

“Think of something,” Ben shrugs, turning away. “Don’t let me down, PC Highway.”

*

It’s hard when you’ve got a sergeant pushing for an arrest on one of East Ends most wanted criminals.

It adds even extra weight when said sergeant thinks the sun shines from you - someone who praises you daily and welcomed you with a massive pat on the back.

But it’s how he manages to take the limelight away from Ben for the day. They end up focusing on a GBH charge because Callum follows up on a lead and they end up arresting two guys for it.

The following night Callum finds himself in Ben’s orbit again. Ben’s all smiles, sparkling eyes and Callum’s not sure why he brought himself here.

“I knew I could rely on ya,” Ben offers him a drink, swirling the brown liquid in his glass. “Not just a pretty face are you, Callum?”  

Callum gulps down his drink, licks his lips. “It might not be so easy next time.”

“So there _will_ be a next time?” Ben quirks an eyebrow, “glad to hear it.”

“No,” Callum lies. “I ain’t lying anymore -“

Ben steps closer, fakes a yawn and then shakes his head patronisingly. “But you will, Callum. You will, and it’ll make you feel alive because ya get a thrill out if it, don’t ya? You like the fun, the danger of it all.” Ben smells the aftershave on Callum, his tongue close to tasting. “You like _this.”_

Callum could pretend not to understand what he means, but he’s always known the answer to why he does what he does.

Ben’s like a fire - he gives you the power to stay warm, but when you get close enough the dangers there to get burnt.

Callum feels brave enough to get burnt.


End file.
